some fiction is true

truth, however, is a matter of perspective

...



...

LEST I BE JUDGED FOR THIS
[disclaimer and message]

MINI POSTS
[brief and frequently-posted messages]

AUDIO AND VIDEO
[audio and video streams and downloads]

MOBILE POSTS
[content posted from a mobile phone]

PODCAST FEED
[for podcasts only -- no text]

RSS FEED
[for text and podcasts]

ARCHIVE
[past posts]

E-MAIL
[me]
 

mini updates:
    follow me on Twitter

    dear reader/listener/viewer/enjoyer/co-conspirator:
    lest i be judged for it, i inform you now that this project continues to be a scratch pad, a space for experimentation

    in other words, enjoy what you find here, and feel free to participate, but try not to take anything personal, and don't believe that this project presents an accurate view of me or my life

    this is a window, certainly, but one that hasn't been cleaned in quite some time

    your view may be foggy, obscure...you may see things that aren't really there...

    --harold

    want some background music?
    please consider downloading my most recent music podcast.

    and yes, i love my mom and my dad;
    they've always been good to me, no matter what impression you may have received here

    they never locked me in a cellar or anything
     
    archived stories, or something that happened in the past:

    December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 November 2007 February 2008 March 2008

    i am a member of the

    association of music podcasting

    musicpodcasting.org

    along with these fine music podcasters:

    all florida indies - bing futch
    audio gumshoe - rich palmer
    audio popcorn - krash coarse
    aural icebergs music cast - tiffany rapplean
    capital rock show - bucket aka jason
    darkhorse radio - alan carr
    ears to hear - jill lawton
    eclectic mix - george l smyth
    homegrown podcast - nic treadwell
    indiefeed - chris macdonald
    le jazz affair - sal calfa
    rubyfruit radio - heather smith
    sober cafe podcast - gracie hollombe
    sundown lounge - larry winfield
    tempo of the down - harold (that's me!)
    the darkcompass podcast - rowland cutler
    the fabrications podcast - matt macfarlane
    the phill(er) - phill ramey
    the radiozoom podcast - john bollwitt
    thepillarcast.com - jon tucker
    uc radio podshow - michael yusi
    zaldor's world - les zaldor

    this is...

    something that happened

    somethingthathappened.com
    		stories by harold j. johnson, in various formats - including text, audio, video, and podcasts
     
     
    Friday, November 14, 2003  

    Looks like my friend Yolar the (writing) Barbarian posted a story online a few months ago. It'd be splendiferous if you posted more of your stories more often, Yolar... 11/14/2003 09:19:00 AM (0) comments





    Tuesday, November 11, 2003  

    I wonder what kind of fantasy she had built about me in the world of her mind? Was I a swaggering Jim Morrison-type, swilling a bottle of whiskey while composing brilliant poetry on Dionysian themes, lamenting for my cock and dead Indians? Then, meeting me in person, and finding out I was simply a casual, Average Joe-looking dude, who spends a great deal of time in the geek world of a digital landscape--was it the realization that I had not matched her Imaginary Harold, a mythical being of extraordinary talents and possessing a rockstar's persona--that compelled her to close the curtain? (By the way, I do have extraordinary talents--but that's another story.) 11/11/2003 10:11:00 AM (0) comments





    Monday, November 10, 2003  

    I suppose she was overwhelmed--I have a way of doing that, I suppose. But I'm not blaming myself, not entirely--she was an equal participant in this venture. Unless, of course, I somehow subconsciously propelled the relationship to its conclusion, knowing that it's best for me to be alone at this point in my life and for her to move on to healthier emotional horizons. But I don't believe I did that--that would be awfully sensible and altruistic of me, and although I've matured considerably over the years, I'm still governed by the unreasonable and selfish tyranny of emotion. To feel that I brought this upon us is simply my ego wanting to believe I had more influence on this outcome. I don't like feeling out of control--I'm willing to relinquish some control, to compromise in a relationship--but I don't sit comfortably with being shut out without what I perceive to be an adequate explanation. How can something like this happen so fast? What happened? Was this her plan from the beginning? These are ridulously impossible questions to answer and perhaps it is immature to even consider them. It's certainly a waste of time. So the consolation prize I award myself: perhaps I deserved this. Now how ridiculous is it for me to feel that way?

    The fact is, I know that consciously I really wanted to have her in my life, in one way or another. I suppose I entertained the fantasy of being more than friends, but you can't blame a guy for responding to what he perceives to be invitations in that direction. Perception. Everyone has their own--their own interpretations of events, their own distorted views of reality. Apparently, mine had led me to believe that renewal was possible--that a once-failed relationship could return with a vengeance, asserting its will, or perhaps destiny, to exist--that a woman could forgive what happened as a girl and rebuild a broken relationship--how could I have deluded myself so?

    Oh, that's right--I was out of my mind. Out of my mind with concerns--concerns about my mother's livelihood, concerns regarding protecting a close friend, concerns about my own mental health during what I perceive to be the most difficult period of my life. So how could I find the time, or the will, to take a step back and really question whether or not this relationship could realistically flourish? Did I really want to be lovers, or was I trying to fill a gap of pain and sorrow with an old memory, one which has haunted me for years and which I never entirely recovered from? And if that is the case, can I move on now, knowing that I'll never see her again? Only time will tell, but let me start by asserting that I must. And yet, the sorrow will live with me forever, in some inner recess of my being, and perhaps it will make me a better man, somehow. One thing I do know is that I am grateful--grateful that I was able to cross paths with my old friend again. I do not really believe her intentions were impure, however disturbing the outcome--loneliness drives people to do some funny things, if not always so nice. To her I say, I forgive you, and will never harbor a resentment for having renewed our acquaintance. My heart will always be open to you--but I will never allow myself to be hurt like this again. I don't like you right now, you're not my friend. You're a mean person who has hurt me, and who has admitted that you may have used me. Perhaps I deserved it for my trespasses of the past, and if I've helped you purge yourself and overcome your past, then I'm happy to have participated. But if this was all for naught, then I am saddened, and truly disappointed. If this was your goal, then congratulations. I know this sounds immature of me, but what's a blog for but to ruminate on your anxieties? This is my way of purging.

    But naught's for naught--every experience helps us learn, and grow, and improve. I suspected from the beginning that this relationship could take an unhappy turn, and I'm happy to report that although I would have liked for us to have corresponded longer, things worked out brilliantly. Sure I'm sad--I'm miserable right now--but I know I'll be okay. I'm fairly healthy, though I've got a few issues to work out--so I'll be alright. I may even be depressed for awhile, but I'll do my best not to be. I only hope you will find the path to overcoming your loneliness--I know how difficult that can be, since I haven't entirely overcome that obstacle yet, either. But you say that you're happy and that you've found your peace, and if so, I'm glad, and don't hesitate to contact me someday--I may not be willing to jump right into the type of dialogue we've been having, but I'll certainly be there for you, because I don't really believe you're a mean person--I knew you to be a loving person, so perhaps you're just lashing out, "purifying" yourself. If you ever contact me again in the future, I simply won't be so anxious about pursuing any fantasies. I'll be your friend, and I'll console you, and you'll inspire me, maybe.



    11/10/2003 08:37:00 AM (0) comments





     

    A friend I love dearly ended our relationship this week. Via email. No phonecall, no hug, not even a last handshake--a lousy email. 11/10/2003 08:16:00 AM (0) comments





     
     

    powdered fresh and frequently by blogger.
    lance anderson tells really good stories, and seems like a nice guy, too.

    D-List Blogger